21

I've only been 21 for a day and i feel so old. in the past when people have asked me jokingly if i feel any older, i have been quick to give a quirky or sarcastic reply. But this year, i genuinely feel older. There are so many things that i cant explain about, but i can literally feel myself growing up. Its an odd sort of feeling, like your foot falling asleep; it doesn't feel particularly good or bad, just weird.

 I feel like, at 21, life suddenly becomes real. i n a year and a half i will be a college graduate. I will be finding a grown up job, living on my own, making my own rules. i don't know about anyone else, but that scares the crap out of me. However grown up i may have felt over the past few years, now the world recognizes that i am grown up. to quote part of my high school graduation speech "I'm afraid of living in a grown up world, doing grown up things, with grown up people, when I can still hear the little girl in me asking for her grandmother to cut her grilled cheese into triangles."

Now, when i think about the future, i can seen an endpoint. It is no longer a general reply about  avast area of time somewhere off in the distance. The future is here. the "real world" is knocking at my door, but instead of opening it up and inviting it in, Im finding myself wanting to crawl under my bed and hide until the future gets bored and decided to bother someone else.

I'm sure in a few days i'll get over this and embrace the future with arms wide open and a cheesy grin on my face.

But for now, right now, i'm going to pretend like it doesn't exist. I'm going to stay out late, eat junk food, watch cartoons and never EVER forget that little girls inside me who still cuts her grilled cheese in triangles, who burps incessantly, who loves Winnie the Pooh and Dr. Seuss and realizes that, while she has worked her entire life to be an adult she can be proud of, will now spend the rest of it remembering how to be a kid. 

Garbage

I think I have obsessive compulsive disorder, but it's triggered. It only happened every once in a while when I have a ton on my mind and nothing will help to clear it except cleaning. And when I start, I mean really start, I cannot stop until everything is...perfect. My version of perfect anyway. After shopping. Today it took me a grand total of 8 hours to clean the whole house. I couldn't stop. Once I started organizing one thing, I had I organize another to match and so on started this vicious cycle. My house is all neat and tidy and shiny.
One of the things I hate about my little OCD episodes is all the extra crap you find. The books you've never read, or read and hated. The clothes you haven't worn in years. The junk that ha accumulated and evidently multiplied due to boredom. There's so much garbage. I am a keeper of everything. Wedding invitation, newspapers, mud matches socks, and papers that have meaning to me. I look at all of it and I can recall the memories of great times. So I keep them, and they continue to take up space in my closet.
The really funny thing about junk, is that it tells you as much about your heart as it does about your personality. In all of the boxes of pictures and keepsakes, I also found memories of old crushes still lingering on my heart. When I went to wipe the dust off of bookshelves, I found years of low self-worth that never got washed away. In my closet full of clothes, I found a woman who never quite thought she was pretty enough, and tried to cover it up with pretty fabric and exquisite style.
From now on, I'm making a pact. I will buy less, keep less, give more and live more.

Letter to Myself

Sierra,

            STOP. Stop stressing, stop doubting, stop looking. You are beautiful. You are smart and funny and wise beyond your years. You are a wonderful creation of a wonderful God. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You aren’t supposed to be perfect. You are supposed to mess up, to make mistakes, to be human. Let yourself have those. If not, you will never learn anything and you will never become the woman God has created you to be.

            Being skinnier won’t make you happy. Nor will being smarter, prettier, more entertaining, more fun, or more adventurous. You are YOU, be you. It’s as perfect as you ever need to be.

            Don’t get discouraged, don’t be overwhelmed, don’t give up on yourself. You have worked much too hard to call it quits. God has gotten you through every hardship, every storm, every struggle in your life; do you really think he’s just going to give up on you? Throw in the towel because your problems are just too much to handle? No! “God is not a God who comes and goes, God lasts…”. Remember that every breath you are now inhaling and exhaling is a breath that God is using to say to you “I’m not done with you yet. You are still alive and part of my glorious plan. You’re not going anywhere and, more importantly, neither am I.”

            Breathe. Now, do it again. Keep doing it and remind yourself that with those heartbeats, you have purpose. No friend, man, grade, mentor, teacher, or weight can give you what already lies inside of you: worth. Your life means something even if no one else reminds you. Your heart is beautiful and you are such a servant to your friends. People notice even if they do not say anything. And even when they don’t, you are serving God, not man. He is proud of you.

            Take care of yourself. Build yourself up, compliment yourself, do something you love. Fight for the people you love; yourself included. Don’t be afraid of consistency. Tell people how you really feel, even if it hurts. Trust people; even if they let you down, you will be stronger because of it.

            Lastly, have fun! You are 21 years old, enjoy it! Don’t take yourself too seriously. Laugh whenever possible, and take risks. You deserve a beautiful life, be strong enough to let yourself have it. I love you!

SiJ

Be-YOU-tiful

Here are the things i have done in the past week:

Yesterday I was patient when i got in a fight. I went to a bible study with people i had never met before and spoke truthfully about my life. i contacted a woman about spending next sumer in Botswana, Africa. I started packing my room of my junior year of college. I saved some money, instead of buying a new pair of shoes like i wanted. I wrote a letter telling someone how much i appreciate them. I was there when someone needed me.  i cleaned out my refrigerator and planned a weeks worth of meals. I listened when it was hard. I spoke up about something that was bothering me, knowing it would change things. I delighted myself in the Lord. I read numerous chapters of scripture. i was slow to anger. I was honest about how i really felt. I let go of old hurt. I ran longer than i ever have before. I pushed away negativity. I broke free of a bondage that has been holding me back for much too long. 

I laughed.

I loved.

I obeyed.

I forgave.

I prayed.

I lived. 

It has been brought to my attention that i am sometimes too hard on myself. My first instinct was to brush that comment off and not come back to it, but this stuck with me. It is not the first time this has been said to me. The truth is that i feel like sometimes i only look for the bad things in me, because then i have something to work on, something to improve, something to fix. and oh how i dearly love fixing things. 

Another truth, is that i am genuinely proud of myself for the woman that i have become and am becoming. I am not perfect by any means, but the most wonderful thing about not being perfect, is that it leaves room for me to just be me. and i think being me is my favorite part of life.

So to everyone out there who is trying to measure up to something, to everyone who thinks that they need to be perfect or that there will be some point in their life where they will simply "have it all together"....you shouldn't, you don't, and there won't be.

Just be you, because being you is the one thing you can never fail at.

peace and love <3 div="div">

Be Brave

I have just written possibly the most difficult letter of my life. I do not know if i will send it or if anyone will ever read it, but my writing it is the most courageous i have been in a very long time. I like to picture myself as this superhero of a woman. Brave, confident, beautiful, strong, humble. but at the end of the day, I'm just as women who is scared of being alone, just like everyone else.

All i really want is to know that there is someone in this world who will love me for everything i am, and everything i am not. someone who wants me, not just for one part, but all of them combined. Someone who will promise to never walk out the door, and who keeps that promise, day by day.

I am beautiful. I am kind, and compassionate, and strong. i say these things, not to bring praise to myself, but to let the world know that i know exactly who I am, and whose i am. I thrive in the truth that God has made me exactly who i am supposed to be. And i love me. I have no doubt that i could conquer the world all by myself. That i could travel and love all the people of the world and be happy and healthy and fulfilled. I never have nor ever will need any man in my life to bring me joy or complete me. But i am scared at the thought of facing this life without someone by my side on the earth, encouraging me and reminding me everyday of the love i have waiting for me in the next one. a very large part of who i am is in my serving of others and i am scared that i will not be given a partner to spoil, and take care of, and love forever.

I am an extremely independent woman. i know that this has presented a problem in terse of my relationships before. For years i have thrived off of never needing anyone, of doing things myself, being by myself, and loving others out of intention instead of necessity. As a woman, i think that i often lie to myself in the present so that i do not have to think about the truths the future may hold. i wrap myself in that lie and, like a blanket, it both covers and comforts me with warmth. but it is only for the moment. When i am forced to face my actualities, it is much harder to unwrap the lie that has become such a dear friend in times of struggle.

My actuality consists of three things.
1. I need people. i cannot do life on my own and i was never meant to. God created Adam AND Eve. He gave them the ability to produce a family. He told Noah to bring his sons and their wives on the Ark instead of leaving the earth desolate. We NEED each other.

2.I want to be married. As much as i think about my life as a single woman and all that i could accomplish by not being married, i desire even more, a love that is so deep and so true and so potent, it changes the World. I desire to be called "Mine", to lay in bed with someone til all hours of the night, to fight and make- up, to raise children with a man so passionate about Christ and life it overwhelms me.

3. Accepting the previous two things is one of the most important steps I've ever taken in my life. We MUST know, understand, and believe the truths about ourselves. its time to set the blanket aside, accept the truths of myself, and be brave enough to take the next step forward.

If I'm Being Honest

I have trouble letting things go. More honestly, I have trouble letting people go. You see, my favorite thing about me is my ability to love people. Anyone, everyone, everywhere, all the time.

My least favorite part about me, is that I get jealous when I don't get to love as much as I want. I guess that's not very accurate. Loving someone has nothing to do with being let by someone. That confines love to only the verb form. But in a world where words don't really mean as much as they should, and thoughts can mean even less, actions are our go to; our silent assurance that we are doing something right and that we should continue doing it.

So throughout life, seasons change. You miss out on opportunities and possibilities. Friends grow apart. The ones I once held in the very dearest parts of my heart, and maybe even more importantly, believed that I was held in the dearest part of theirs, become best friends with other people. See me walking down the street and offer a wave, instead of a hug. And a hug, instead of an hour. When those people become only a distant memories, pictures on a pinboard, letters stores away in hidden spaces. Seeing new memories being made...without me. It's hard. It's heartbreaking.

I want, more than anything, for us to be close again, to be able to tell you all my hopes, and my worries. For you to be the one to wipe away the years that have so often plagued a once stone face. And perhaps they will. Maybe this is a season of life in which God knows that what's best is to break my heart and blind my faith in people, in order to grow my faith in Him.

In the meantime, may God give you all that your heart desires and more. May your dreams become realities and your life never run out of the love you so desperately desire and deserve. And may God bring us together again, when His timing is perfect.

Growing Up

It seems to me that I've been "grown up" my whole life. I never got to experience things most kids do: play dates, family vacations, being spoiled by grandparents. None of it. This isn't a desperate plea for pity, trust me. If it was, it would sound a lot more beautiful. I just honestly feel that at this point in my life, I should feel fully grown. And yet I feel more childish than ever. All I want to do is spend money on things I don't need because they are pretty, run away from all of my responsibilities, laugh when it's time to be serious, and let go of everything that's holding me back from being incredible. Matthew 18:3 says "truly I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom". But 1 Corinthians 13:11 says "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." I guess what trying to say is that in this world where children are forced to become adults way too soon, and adults are allowed to act as children for far too long, how childish is too childish? And when do we all have to really grow up?

Too Much to Tell...

If anyone is following this, i don't think there are enough words in the world, in any language, to describe what happened yesterday. It can be a story only shared in person. I also am writing a journal of a more personal perspective, if anyone wants to read it when I get home. Just know that God is incredible and that my life is forever changed.

Belonging

I'm not sure I have ever know I am supposed to be anywhere as much as i know that i am meant to be here it Cuttack, India. Yesterday we got to tour the public school and meet all the children. They were so precious in their uniforms, standing and greeting us as we walked in. "Good morning Madam" coming from the mouth of a child is one of the most heartwarming phrases I'm sure has ever been uttered. We got to talk to Asim and the principal about the history of the Shelter and how the church came to rise in Orissa. I was incredibly surprised that it started with the Gospel Trumpet Company, the first Anderson College. For the past hundred years men and women have been supporting the christian movement in India. A movement i must remind you, that has not been taken well by many people.
We read and reenacted(if you can even call it that) the story Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago, three men who were persecuted when they refused to bow down to any other God but theirs. when the King said that they would be thrown in the fire, the men replied, "Our God will save us, but even if he doesn't we will still praise Him". That's so powerful. not only did they have faith that they wouldnt be harmed, even if they were, they still resolved to follow God, even into death. I couldn't help but think of the literal implications of that. If these children continue to grow and prosper in their faith, a prayer which comes many many times from my lips, they will face persecution the rest of their lives. But what joy to know that God is so much bigger than all of that. That even in all the fear and conflict, there are people willing to praise him, no matter what. This country has such faith and determination. I hope to keep it close to my heart and keep learning all that India has to teach me, even long after I've traveled back to the states.

Let me tell you about Airplane rides...

Sorry, these are going to be posted pretty late, considering i'm busy ALL THE TIME, which i absolutely love. The girls here are fantastic. My heart absolutely loves them and i've known them just less than 24 hours, but more on that later.

The flight from New York to New Delhi was 14 hours. That pretty much says all i need to but i'll give a lot more detail. We flew in on a 747. For those of you who don't know, it's the largest plane that flies, over 300 passengers and 2 first class areas. I was in neither. This is a flight most reserved, i think, for international flying. My group of 4 absolutely wonderful women, were about 1/16 of all the Americans on the flight. It was so exciting to see so many Indian men women and children, knowing that i would be a part of their country in only 14 short hours. Wait, did i say short? whoops. It felt like we were on that flight for days, which we kind of were, considering we had a 10 1/2 hour time change in the middle. We were served 3 meals while on board. I had no idea what anything was and hadn't the heart to ask. It was airplane Indian cuisine, if that means anything. During our flight, and keep in mind we've been up since three that morning and the flight took off at 4:30 pm, it was impossible to get more than a hour of sleep at a time. between the crying children, the cramped spaces, the snoring, the yelling in a language we didn't know, and the 3 food wake up calls. I was also silly enough to watch the on board movie The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, and cried at 2 in the morning. Our bodies were sore, our feet were swollen, and heads were swelling with exhaustion. 14 hours later, we stepped off of the plane, and into New Delhi. I cried inside, so as not to scare anyone watching, because neither words nor tears can ever describe how much joy came into my heart at that moment, and each moment since.