I have just written possibly the most difficult letter of my life. I do not know if i will send it or if anyone will ever read it, but my writing it is the most courageous i have been in a very long time. I like to picture myself as this superhero of a woman. Brave, confident, beautiful, strong, humble. but at the end of the day, I'm just as women who is scared of being alone, just like everyone else.
All i really want is to know that there is someone in this world who will love me for everything i am, and everything i am not. someone who wants me, not just for one part, but all of them combined. Someone who will promise to never walk out the door, and who keeps that promise, day by day.
I am beautiful. I am kind, and compassionate, and strong. i say these things, not to bring praise to myself, but to let the world know that i know exactly who I am, and whose i am. I thrive in the truth that God has made me exactly who i am supposed to be. And i love me. I have no doubt that i could conquer the world all by myself. That i could travel and love all the people of the world and be happy and healthy and fulfilled. I never have nor ever will need any man in my life to bring me joy or complete me. But i am scared at the thought of facing this life without someone by my side on the earth, encouraging me and reminding me everyday of the love i have waiting for me in the next one. a very large part of who i am is in my serving of others and i am scared that i will not be given a partner to spoil, and take care of, and love forever.
I am an extremely independent woman. i know that this has presented a problem in terse of my relationships before. For years i have thrived off of never needing anyone, of doing things myself, being by myself, and loving others out of intention instead of necessity. As a woman, i think that i often lie to myself in the present so that i do not have to think about the truths the future may hold. i wrap myself in that lie and, like a blanket, it both covers and comforts me with warmth. but it is only for the moment. When i am forced to face my actualities, it is much harder to unwrap the lie that has become such a dear friend in times of struggle.
My actuality consists of three things.
1. I need people. i cannot do life on my own and i was never meant to. God created Adam AND Eve. He gave them the ability to produce a family. He told Noah to bring his sons and their wives on the Ark instead of leaving the earth desolate. We NEED each other.
2.I want to be married. As much as i think about my life as a single woman and all that i could accomplish by not being married, i desire even more, a love that is so deep and so true and so potent, it changes the World. I desire to be called "Mine", to lay in bed with someone til all hours of the night, to fight and make- up, to raise children with a man so passionate about Christ and life it overwhelms me.
3. Accepting the previous two things is one of the most important steps I've ever taken in my life. We MUST know, understand, and believe the truths about ourselves. its time to set the blanket aside, accept the truths of myself, and be brave enough to take the next step forward.
All i really want is to know that there is someone in this world who will love me for everything i am, and everything i am not. someone who wants me, not just for one part, but all of them combined. Someone who will promise to never walk out the door, and who keeps that promise, day by day.
I am beautiful. I am kind, and compassionate, and strong. i say these things, not to bring praise to myself, but to let the world know that i know exactly who I am, and whose i am. I thrive in the truth that God has made me exactly who i am supposed to be. And i love me. I have no doubt that i could conquer the world all by myself. That i could travel and love all the people of the world and be happy and healthy and fulfilled. I never have nor ever will need any man in my life to bring me joy or complete me. But i am scared at the thought of facing this life without someone by my side on the earth, encouraging me and reminding me everyday of the love i have waiting for me in the next one. a very large part of who i am is in my serving of others and i am scared that i will not be given a partner to spoil, and take care of, and love forever.
I am an extremely independent woman. i know that this has presented a problem in terse of my relationships before. For years i have thrived off of never needing anyone, of doing things myself, being by myself, and loving others out of intention instead of necessity. As a woman, i think that i often lie to myself in the present so that i do not have to think about the truths the future may hold. i wrap myself in that lie and, like a blanket, it both covers and comforts me with warmth. but it is only for the moment. When i am forced to face my actualities, it is much harder to unwrap the lie that has become such a dear friend in times of struggle.
My actuality consists of three things.
1. I need people. i cannot do life on my own and i was never meant to. God created Adam AND Eve. He gave them the ability to produce a family. He told Noah to bring his sons and their wives on the Ark instead of leaving the earth desolate. We NEED each other.
2.I want to be married. As much as i think about my life as a single woman and all that i could accomplish by not being married, i desire even more, a love that is so deep and so true and so potent, it changes the World. I desire to be called "Mine", to lay in bed with someone til all hours of the night, to fight and make- up, to raise children with a man so passionate about Christ and life it overwhelms me.
3. Accepting the previous two things is one of the most important steps I've ever taken in my life. We MUST know, understand, and believe the truths about ourselves. its time to set the blanket aside, accept the truths of myself, and be brave enough to take the next step forward.
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