The Day After Today

I am waiting for the day after today...the day when my heart stops drowning in all the pain. The day when i don't have to worry about the nightmares that kept me up, or the one who walked out of my life without a care or the yelling and crying of being scorned for everything that I am, and everything that I'm not. I'm not perfect. I'm not without flaw or without fear. I'm not reaching for the unbearable, only the unattainable. I'm not waiting for my life to start or delaying the inevitable. And with everything I'm being told I'm not, you would think that it would be impossible to figure out who and what i am. My whole life i have lived in the shadow of my parents. I have always been trying to escape turning into everything that they were. Everything that they stood for. My whole life has been based off the comparison of people that i hardly know, yet share blood with. I have always been careful that the mistakes I have made have been not only minimal, but mine. Not drinking, no drugs, no sex. Be the adult, run the household, be mature. Live up to the expectations of everyone else, and deny yourself, because you don't really know what you want. All my life i have been building up this wall that tells me exactly who I am, or moreover, Who I am supposed to be. But every single time God goes through tremendous efforts to tear down my wall, telling me that only He gets to decide who I am to be. And without doubt every...single...time...I keep building it back up again. Why can't I just leave it alone and let God completely take control of it? Why do i have to be so stubborn? Why do things always have to be my way?

I wish it were the day after tomorrow.